Radio ads

A bit of a rant for Communicate Middle East. I nicked the idea and used it for a Campaign column, too.

Radio ads

There is a quiet cultural phenomenon that has been developing in the UAE over the past fifteen years ago that has gone largely unnoticed and uncelebrated. What is surprising, perhaps even shocking, is that the root and progenitor of this phenomenon is the advertising industry. It has spread now: although old hands can trace its roots, other Gulf countries are now being transformed by an art form that owes its very existence to Dubai’s creative geniuses. Never slow to whip up a few categories, hire a ballroom, slap on the tux and award itself multiply and gala-wise for its positive brilliance, the advertising industry has simply failed to realise what it has created. It is time to recognise that achievement, to award the excellence that has kept so many of us entranced and amused over the years. I would like to propose a special event, in the hope that someone reading this column will not only agree, but has the wit, courage, wisdom and, let’s not beat about the bush too much, the money to stage an event that recognises the uniqueness of radio advertising in our region.

It would be something like Night of the Adeaters, but would be played out in darkness. This would be a purely auditory experience, unsullied by the eye candy that has so long dominated our thinking. This would be the Night of the Earbenders.

Now you might think that awarding radio ads is a good idea, but you’d be missing the brilliance of the scheme if you did. We’re not just talking about any old radio ad here, we’re talking about the GULF radio ad. Like a haiku, the true Gulf radio ad follows a format that is as formal as the Japanese tea ceremony. There have been a number of heretical offshoots from the core, but few have captured the essential elements that make a truly great Gulf Radio Ad.

I give you this example, purely so that you can enjoy the thrill of recognising the achievement I am proposing we celebrate. I can only imagine that so many of us have missed this strange and beautiful thing because of the clutter that is filling our lives, that we have rushed by and neglected to stop and appreciate the beauty of something that has been around us for so long. Read this out aloud to the people around you and see if they recognise what it is. You need to do it in slightly stilted voices and follow the punctuation as you speak. Don’t be tempted to leave the script and make it sound like real speech. That would miss the fundamental brilliance of the artistic form. Believe me, you’ll be shocked at the resonance.

SOUND: Busy street. Cars beeping, traffic. Engine revs and tyre screeches. (You’ll obviously have to imitate this. Try ‘broom broom. Beep. Iiiiiiiuuuuuuuurrrrh. h.h.h.h.h.’ for size)

“Hi, Bob. Wow. You are in a hurry.”

“Hi Mike. Yes. I am. I’m going to Fancy Plaza.”

“Fancy Plaza?”

“Yes. Fancy Plaza.”

“Why the rush, Bob? It is open all day. And even on Fridays; too.”

“If you spend a hundred dirhams there you can win a bar of gold.”

“A bar of gold?”

“Yes. A bar of gold. There’s a kilo of gold to win every month all through April.”

“A whole kilo?”

“Yes. A whole kilo.”

SOUND. Engine revs madly.

“But never mind me. What is your hurry Bob?”

“I’m going to Fancy Plaza, of course!”

SOUND: Stylophone plays four-note phrase and off-key girl’s voice sings “Fancy Plaza! Family Fun and Bargains Too!”

Mike’s voice, shouting as if from afar: “And you can win a bar of gold!”

Let me propose some rules, then. Firstly, the ad must be no more than thirty seconds long. It must contain at least two voices in dialogue. They must be stilted, but at the same time sound manically excited. Secondly, the ad must contain at least one instance of the following dialogue form:

Voice one: Statement.

Voice Two: Question statement.

Voice One: Affirm and repeat statement.

Example. “It’s an orang utan!” “An orang utan?” “Yes! An orang utan.”

Note that there are no syllabic limits imposed on this structure, as for instance in the aforementioned haiku, but that the amount of excitement injected into these phrases is critical to the quality of the overall entrant.

I think the audio part of the event should be held in a cinema or other venue where the chairs are fixed to the floor. It would be essential to strap the audience in. Dinner must follow the audio segment, not precede it. This is important, as many people’s stomachs will simply not be strong enough to avoid involuntary accidents.